Advice from Life's Graying Edge on Finishing with No Regrets (Jane E. Brody, Personal Health, NY Times 1-9-12). "I chose to live each day as if it could be my last - but with a watchful eye on the future in case it wasn't." A new book called 30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans (ed. Karl Pillemer) draws from interviews with more than 1000 older Americans from different economic, educational, and occupational strata who were interviewed as part of the ongoing Cornell Legacy Project (see some interviews here).

Age Doesn't Matter Unless You're a Cheese by Kathryn and Ross Petras (a gift book for those 70 and older: quotations reflecting wisdom, humor, and experience from mostly famous people 70 and over)

Aging in Place: Rethinking Solutions to the Home Care Challenge (MetLife report by Louis Tanenbaum, Sept. 2010). You can download the report (PDF) and the workbook.

The Arc of Life: Huston Smith on Life, Death & Beyond (Huston Smith interviewed by Ken Dychtwald). Watch a sample here (click on symbol bottom right to expand to whole screen view)

You can order the tape on Huston Smith's website
http:/​/​www.hustonsmith.com/​ARC.htm

Are Your Spices Older Than Your Kids? On her WebOver50 blog, Marilynne Rudick tells us how to take advantage of the Internet, with tips on sites like Goldstar (half-price theater tickets) and entries like YouTube for How To's: Just-in-Time Learning.

A Sharper Mind, Middle Age and Beyond (Patricia Cohen, NY Times 1-19-12)

The Beneficial Effects of Life Story and Legacy Activities by Pat McNees (Journal of Geriatric Care Management, Spring 2009). Get PDF file of journal article here (61.9KB)

Bladder problems. I found this explanation (from David Shields's delightfully informative book about the aging process The Thing About Life Is That One Day You'll Be Dead) helpful: "When you're a young adult, the reflex that tells you it's time to urinate occurs when your bladder is half full. For people over age 65, the message isn't received until your bladder is nearly full." (In other words, never pass up an opportunity to go to the bathroom.)

Bladder problems. Yes, we take more runs to the bathroom as we age, but this next entry is about the pharmaceutical industry's campaign to create a new disease ("overactive bladder") to market drugs. Check out:
• Overactive Bladder: "Pharmacia instrumental in creating new disease" says Former VP (John Mack 4-5-09)
• Overactive bladder? You might think so after seeing Toviaz ad (Consumer Reports blog, 4-7-10)

Can't Remember What I Forgot: The Good News from the Front Lines of Memory Research (Sue Halpern’s research into what really works about limiting normal memory loss)

Capturing seniors' stories while she still can (David Ball, Herald Tribune, 2-20-10, on Sonia Fuentes and "The Wisdom of Elders Across America").
"I think the seniors that are the happiest are the ones that are active," [Bob] Anderson said. "Very little television is what I'm saying."
"I think the first thing is to enjoy what you're doing when you are doing it," [Owen] Comora said.
"And think before you do anything stupid."
~ in the story Capturing seniors' stories while she still can. Read the box, "Words to the Wise")

Charity Navigator.Tip sheets on savvy donating to charity include Top 10 Best Practices of Savvy Donors and 7 Questions To Ask Charities Before Donating.

Close to the Bone: Life-Threatening Illness As a Soul Journey, a book by Jean Shinoda on how living with the threat of death can take us to a deeper level (with a section about forming circles in the time of crises)

Cohousing. Cohousing communities are old-fashioned neighborhoods that bring together the value of private homes with the benefits of more sustainable living, including common facilities and good connections with neighbors.

Coming Together to Make Aging a Little Easier (Elizabeth Pope, NY Times 9-15-11). Innovative approaches to managing some of the difficulties of aging are bubbling up around the country, often initiated by women who want to stay independent. Pope writes about The Caring Collaborative, a project initiated by The Transition Network in New York, which has created three downloadable manuals (about creating a caring collaborative, about creating a vertical village in a high-rise building, and about what you need to know when you go to the hospital).

A Compendium of Hope (Judy Steed). An innovative program at Toronto Western Hospital teaches seniors how to dodge fall-inducing risks, as well as preventive exercises and nutrition so they'll have a fighting chance against the next spot of black ice.

Conscious Aging (Mariamne Paulus)

The Eden Alternative -- a nonprofit that believes aging should be a continued stage of development and growth, rather than a period of decline. Its vision: To eliminate loneliness, helplessness, and boredom.
• Ten Principles
• Finding an Eden Home
• Ruth Little: My Mother, The Lion (on Elder's Eden)

Elderhostel, now known also as "Road Scholar (Adventures in Lifelong Learning -- educational tours, adventures afloat, etc.). Request a catalog and keep learning!

Flashfree: Not your mama's menopause (Liz Scherer's blog -- check out her blogroll for more along these lines)

Getting Old Sucks: But It Sure Beats the Alternative (Ed Strnad, co-author of The Optimist's/​Pessimist's Guide to the Millennium, faces the downside of aging with humor)

Goddesses in Everywoman by Jean Shinoda Bolen, author of Goddesses in Older Women: Archetypes in Women Over Fifty and Crones Don't Whine: Concentrated Wisdom for Juicy Women

Growing Old on Purpose Adds to Journey by Gary Reker

Intentional Communities (ecovillages, cohousing communities, residential land trusts, communes, student co-ops, urban housing cooperatives, intentional living, alternative communities, cooperative living, and other projects where people strive together with a common vision)

Julia Child's co-author succeeded in the kitchen but also in second half of life. Abigail Trafford, in her WashPost column (My Time, 3-2-2010), quotes psychiatrist Harvey L. Rich, author of In the Moment: Celebrating the Everyday: "We snicker at the young -- we say the problem with youth is that it's wasted on the young. . . . But young people have a different job than older people. They are trying to build a life; we're at the stage of trying to make sense of life. The young haven't acquired the language. They're not there yet."

LGBT Aging Issues Network (LAIN) and Resources Clearinghouse (brings together professionals interested in the concerns of lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender and intersex individuals ages 50-plus)

Listen to An Old Wise Man Once Said. Henry Alford, author of How to Live: A Search for Wisdom from Old People (While They Are Still on This Earth), goes to Washington Square Park to get strangers to share their hopes and fears about growing old.

Long-term care insurance, advice and information about:
• ElderLaw Answers (What to Look for In a Long-Term Care Insurance Policy, When Should You Purchase Long-Term Care Insurance?, How Much Insurance Should You Purchase?, Which Spouse Should Get Coverage?,Long-Term Care Insurance and Medicaid Planning,
Partnership Policies, The Tax Deductibility of Long-Term Care Insurance Premiums, The Taxation of Benefits, Consult With a Qualified Agent, Books on Long-Term Care Insurance)
• National Clearinghouse for Long-Term Care Information U.S. Dept of Health & Human Services
• The Coming Caregiver Crunch and Why This Gerontologist Owns Long Term Care Insurance by Ken Dychtwald, Huffington Post
• Long-Term Care Insurance: The Essentials (free PDF from MetLife, an insurer)
• J.K. Lasser's Choosing the Right Long-Term Care Insurance by Benjamin Lipson
• Long-Term Care: Your Financial Planning Guide by Phyllis Shelton

Mastery: The Keys to Success and Long-Term Fulfillment by George Leonard

Memory (YouTube). You may smile in recognition at Pam Peterson's rendition of the lyrics (about memory problems associated with aging)

Mine Is Longer than Yours. Michael Kinsley (The New Yorker, 4-7-08). A diagnosis of Parkinson's disease forces Kinsley to reflect on mortality earlier than his peers; in this piece, he examines longevity as the last competitive game among baby boomers.

Old Before My Time (Eileen Beal, 8-15-02, PDF file)

Old Soul: How Aging Reveals Character — A Conversation With James Hillman (Genie Zeiger, The Sun, Issue 296 August 2000)

The Omnivore's Hundred (100 fine, strange, and everyday foods the "very good taste" blog thinks everyone should try once)

100 Simple Things You Can Do to Prevent Alzheimer's and Age-Related Memory Loss by Jean Carper. (She may extend a little too much hope about being able to avoid the disease, but the simple things to do are no doubt worth doing anyway. I wonder if the research will change on the merits of coffee drinking.) Here's an excerpt.

Open Yale courses (hear excellent lectures free, while doing your exercises!)

Osher Lifelong Learning Institutes (OLLI), National Resource Center
• List of institutes
• Trips & Travel
• Fijd an OLLI near you
• OLLI videos online

Positive Aging Newsletter (Taos Institute). Also available: Positive Aging newsletter archives. Edited by Ken and Mary Gergen.

Program of All-Inclusive Care for the Elderly (PACE), an optional benefit under Medicare and Medicaid that helps older people frail enough to meet state standards for nursing home care stay in their home.PACE offers and manages all the medical, social and rehabilitative services enrollees need to preserve or restore their independence, stay in their homes and communities, and maintain their quality of life. Listen to this interview on Kansas Public Radio about PACE. There is evidence that this new model of care is effective, but it is not yet widely available. Here is a current list of PACE-provider organizations

Religious Tolerance (what the world's religions believe)

The (Really) Long Goodbye He's got a gun, a badge—and rheumatoid arthritis. The iconic detectives of best-selling authors from Michael Connelly to Ruth Rendell are fighting a new foe: old age. (Alexandra Alter, WSJ, 7-1-11)

A Reminder That Laughter Is the Best Medicine (a video of Mary Maxwell's very funny take on the ignobilities of aging, delivered ostensibly as a prayer). "...the thing about old age is that you don't get a chance to practice. This is the first time I've been old, and it just sort of crept up on me. There were signs: Random hair growth. That's special. Particularly that first time you go to brush a hair off your lapel and discover it's attached to your chin." From a speech she gave for Home Instead Senior Care.

Rethinking Expectations About How We Age (Marc Agronin, on NPR's Talk of the Nation, on his book How We Age: A Doctor's Journey into the Heart of Growing Old. When it comes to disorders such as anxiety, depression or even Alzheimer's disease, says Agronin,"we make assumptions that this is simply old age, or this is a disease state that we can't do anything about." Not true.

How Revving Up Your Heart Rate, Even A Bit, Pays Off (Allison Aubrey, NPR Morning Edition 2-1-10). Brisk walking is key to thriving later in life.

The Spiritual Dimensions of Conscious Aging Book, Video, and Audio Resources recommended by Frederic and Mary Ann Brussat

Thinking About Aging (Gilbert Meilaender, First Things, April 2011 issue). "Aim not at more years but at better, healthier years."

3 new retirement living options (MSN's SmartMoney.com on senior co-housing, university-based retirement communities, and CCRC services brought to your home. (CCRC = continuing care retirement community)

30 Lessons for Living: Tried and True Advice from the Wisest Americans, anthology of advice and hard-won wisdom selected by Karl Pillemere and the Legacy Project at Cornell (see this video).

Traveling with limited mobility and other disabilities, books on:
• Access Anything: I Can Do That! - Adventuring with Disabilities by Andrea & Craig Kennedy
• Barrier-Free Travel:A Nuts And Bolts Guide For Wheelers And Slow Walkers by Candy B. Harrington (author of 101 Accessible Vacations: Vacation Ideas for Wheelers and Slow Walkers and There Is Room at the Inn: Inns and B&Bs for Wheelers and Slow Walkers
• Rick Steves' Easy Access Europe: A Guide for Travelers with Limited Mobility

The Unspoken Diagnosis: Old Age (Paula Span, The New Old Age, NY Times 12-29-11)

A 'Warrior Woman' Confronts Mortality, In Verse. Maxine Hong Kingston, on NPR, talks about her book I Love a Broad Margin to My Life, a memoir in free verse.

WebOver50. The web is wasted on the young, blogs Marilynne Rudick.

When Possessions Lead to Paralysis (Paula Span, The New Old Age, NY Times 9-16-10, on how family members can help family seniors deal with, and get rid of, the lifetime overaccumulation of "stuff")

A Woman Like Me, Lesléa Newman's classic piece (for Obit Magazine) on watching obits for the woman who dies childless. ("Will I suffer? Will I become helpless and undignified? Will there be anyone at my bedside to pat my hand and tell me to look towards the light?")

Work with Passion in Midlife and Beyond: Reach Your Full Potential and Make the Money You Need by Nancy Anderson, author of Work with Passion: How to Do What You Love for a Living. Take time to listen to Nancy Anderson's talk at a Positive Aging conference

Working a Bronx Parking Lot, at Age 100 Times video about Joe Binder, still working as a valet in a restaurant parking lot.

Why We Gain Weight As We Age (Patti Neighmond, NPR Morning Edition, 2-22-10). Bottom line: Exercise!

If I Had My Life to Live Over

I'd dare to make more mistakes next time.
I'd relax. I would limber up.
I would be sillier than I have been this trip.
I would take fewer things seriously.
I would take more chances.
I would take more trips.
I would climb more mountains and swim more rivers.
I would eat more ice cream and fewer beans.
I would perhaps have more actual troubles but I'd have fewer imaginary ones.

You see, I'm one of those people who live sensibly and sanely hour after hour, day after day.

Oh, I've had my moments and if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. In fact, I'd try to have nothing else. Just moments. One after another, instead of living so many years ahead of each day.

I've been one of those people who never go anywhere without a thermometer, a hot water bottle, a raincoat and a parachute.
If I had my life to live over, I would start barefoot earlier in the spring and stay that way later in the fall.
If I had it to do again, I would travel lighter next time.
I would go to more dances.
I would ride more merry-go-rounds.
I would pick more daisies.

~ Attributed to 85-year-old Nadine Stair

Buy Now: Dying: A Book of Comfort

"Often what we define as health problems are really support problems."
~ Judith Snow, quoted in Consequential Strangers: The Power of People Who Don't Seem to Matter. . . But Really Do by Melinda Blau and Karen L. Fingerman

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MY MOTHER, THE LION
by Ruth Little

When my partners Holly Hanson, Judie Suit, and I started Elders’ Eden, our dream was to create for our mothers (and Judie’s aunt) a real home — a place where they were loved and valued as the remarkable people they are, each with special skills, achievements, and quirks. We wanted them to have close and continuing relationships with caregivers, children, and pets. And we wanted them to be able, if at all possible, to die at home.

For my mother, Elinor Kester Driedger, this dream was a reality and I am so very grateful. Her last years were rich with love, and every day was full and meaningful because of our wonderful family of caregivers. And they really ARE family to us all. She was deeply contented in these last years, and her gentle passing is exactly what I hoped to make possible.

Mom moved to Rockford in 2000, when dementia had already begun to take a toll. Her caregivers know she could be feisty. Most of you who met her met the lamb. I remember the lion…

Let me talk a little about my mother, the lion — a woman who packed her chain saw when she came to visit, when she was well over 80, just in case we needed something cut down.

She was basically an artsy person. She loved music, books, poetry, theater, and dance. She taught me many Gilbert & Sullivan songs, sparking my interest in music, language, and rhyme—for instance, this song from Pirates of Penzance: “When a felon’s not engaged in his employment, or maturing his felonious little plans, his capacity for innocent enjoyment is just as great as any other man’s. Our feelings we with difficulty smother when constabulary duty’s to be done, take one consideration with another, a policeman’s lot is not a happy one.” I know I was NOT over four when I learned this; I remember asking the meaning of most of the long words.

Elinor whistled; she didn’t hum or sing. She whistled a LOT. Her repertory included show tunes, classical music, and pop tunes of her era. Many of her favorites I learned from her whistling.

She was determined, and not given to compromise. Not about anything. I couldn’t leave home until I made my bed. When I missed the school bus, I walked the 7 miles to high school, and she was never apologetic about my extreme lateness to the school administration.

Elinor was aggressively honest. In my high school, there was no after-school activity bus, so after sports or band practice, kids would call home to summon a ride. Most had a code to avoid paying for the phone call: put your money in the phone and let it ring a certain number of times and hang up. But I never had a code. My mother believed that was cheating the phone company, and she wouldn’t do it. That made an impression. I suspect that was her goal.

I learned to play piano because she strictly enforced a daily hour of practice – and an hour meant a full hour with your fingers on the keys. I’m grateful that when I wanted to make the New Jersey All-State band in high school, I had developed the discipline to practice clarinet the hour or two a day it took to get in that band.

She was incredibly compassionate — always concerned about people who were poor, or exploited, or coping with disabilities or health issues. Wherever we lived, she was active in one or more social service organizations. Over the years, she worked to help recent immigrants and people with disabilities — physical disabilities and mental illness. She worked on race relations, open housing, and women’s rights and probably other things I wasn’t aware of.

Our parent’s friends were diverse and interesting. My mother was intrigued by differences, and actively sought out relationships with a wide variety of people. Our lives were richer because of the several families of new Americans who were welcomed into our home and became a large part of our lives. The autistic child of family friends was a frequent playmate. I was nearly 8 when it dawned on me that my friend Dimi didn’t talk.

Many years ago, the YWCA in Baton Rouge started some groups to plant the seeds of better race relations. “Dialogue groups” of about 20 women, half white and half people of color, were signed up for 8 weeks of meetings to get to know one another. My mother’s group didn’t disband. After many, many weeks, they moved out of the Y and started monthly meetings. Over the years, their lives were entwined…they shared weddings, funerals, trips, parties, and vacations together. When my folks left Baton Rouge, her Dialogue group had been meeting for more than 20 years.

She had such a variety of interests and hobbies. She loved archeology and relished each of the many trips my folks took around the world. She loved gardening, and she was a serious about her compost. Nearly every time we visited our favorite fancy restaurant in Louisiana we had to stop at the kitchen before we left so she could collect a big bag of shrimp and crawdad shells because “these are good for the compost.” She brought a lot of strange things home because they were good for the compost. Living with this woman was always interesting.

And she was fiercely independent. She had hoped to drive until she was 100, and you may all be thankful that she eventually forgot that idea. When she was in therapy to recover from a broken hip, she told the gait therapist “I’ve been walking for nearly 90 years, and I don’t need any lessons.”

We have a very large framed photo of my dad, and after my dad died, she would carry that from room to room so he could be with her. As the mist of memory loss descended, he seemed quite real to her. I once arrived in her apartment to find her sitting with the TV facing away from her, and the photo on a chair facing the TV. When I asked her “What’s going on here?” She said “Oh, he’s watching sports or something.”

Eventually Elinor lived only in the present. Memory loss is not such a terrible thing once you learn to appreciate the new opportunities it presents.

Once I brought her flowers, which we put on her dresser. The next day, as we walked by those flowers, I pointed them out …and she said “Oh yes, they’ve been there as long as I can remember.” And she laughed – I think she knew that was a great line.

In her last years, she was not able to speak very often or very well. While she could still talk a little, I asked her if we managed to understand what she wanted and what she meant, and she said yes. It took me a while to realize why that was true. If she had not stopped talking, I never would have realized how very expressive her face was. She had an incredible variety of expressions: a raised eyebrow, a furrowed brow, a big smile, a slight nod of the head, and a devilish wink, augmented by a few key sounds, .the most notable being what we called “the whoop.” We always knew what she meant.

I loved my mother….I’m grateful for her spirit, her eagerness to embrace life, her love and her example of integrity, compassion, and community involvement.

We have an Elders’ Eden blessing:

May there always be work for your hands to do
May you share your home with a pet or two
May your life be filled with growing things
May you know the comfort that family brings
May the sun always shine on your windowpane
May a rainbow be certain to follow each rain
May the hand of a friend always be near you
May love fill your heart with gladness to cheer you.

I’m grateful for Elders’ Eden and my friends there who gave my mom love and support and dignity, and made it possible for her to have her toes in the grass in summer, a child by her chair, a cat on her bed and a smile on her face, for so long.

Copyright © by Ruth Little. Reprinted here by permission.
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Dying: A Book of Comfort
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