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Narrative Medicine (or medical narrative)and illness memoir |
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Do It Yourself Funerals, transcript of a session of NPR's Morning Edition, The End of Life: Exploring Death in America (reporter Jacki Lyden interviewing George Foy, father of a deceased infant, Lisa Carlson, president of Funeral and Memorial Societies of America, Jan Berman, daughter of a woman who died of AIDS, Thomas Lynch, mortician, poet, and author)
Do-it-yourself or pre-need coffins from the oddly named Outhouse Charlie's Tradin' Post ( (here's a story about them in the Seattle Post-Intelligencer). Check out also MHP Casket Kits (apparently a casket is the same as a coffin, but when it's more expensive you call it a coffin. The Sandler casket kit, also from MHP; casket plans from Casket Furniture. Some of these are designer for pre-need use--for example, as a storage box or a coffee table. Can someone who has actually built their own casket or coffin tell me about the experience, and where you got your plans, kit, etc., and if you recommend the process and the source?
Families Turning to Do-It-Yourself Home Funerals (video) Mike Sugarman, CBS5, interviews Jerrigrace Lyons of Final Passages ("I call myself a death midwife"), a video that shows the dignity of the home viewing, or read the story here. There's a more detailed interview, Caring for Your Dead (Ann Kreilkamp's interview with Jerrigrace Lyons in Crone Chronicles).Or go directly to Final Passages, Lyons' website.
Funeral Music. This is an important and often enjoyable (because nostalgic) part of funeral planning. Here are recommended selections, with links to music samples.
The High Cost of Dying: Funerals, Burials Can Be Expensive by John S. DeMott (AARP Bulletin). There are lower-cost options, and ways to resist sales pressure.
In death, a promise for the future. As her world diminished, Elizabeth Uyehara signed her body over to researchers to help unravel the mystery of Lou Gehrig's disease. (Thomas Curwen, Los Angeles Times, 8-28-10, on the course of Uyehara's ALS and on what happens when organs are donated for science)
Living Consciously, Dying Gracefully - A Journey with Cancer and Beyond by Nancy Manahan and Becky Bohan (how Diane Manahan chose to live life fully at the end and die at home)
'Living headstones' use technology to honor the dead (Susan Gilmore, Seattle Times 7-31-11).A Seattle monument maker affixes a small QR or "quick-response" code (like a bar code, but square) to the tombstone. A smartphone with the right application lets visitors read the person's life history online.
A movement to bring grief back home (many grieving families are opting to bypass the funeral industry), story by Rachel Cox for the Washington Post 2-5-05
My Funeral Choices (simple one-page worksheet, Caring Connections)
My Ideal Funeral . Tenderness. Trust. Mortician Caitlin Doughty closes with a luminous photo essay on home care (Fortnight, 3-5-12). A series of photos shot in Topanga, CA, showing Caitlin help a family wash, dress, and shroud the dead, then take her to a grave and put her directly into the ground to let her body decompose naturally. Photos by Darren Blackburn.
Remembered.com. Online memorial websites.
R.I.P. Off (Barry Yeoman, in a piece that ran in AARP Magazine in 2008, on funeral-industry scandal that's fleecing thousands of Americans. Read this before buying any "pre-need funerals"--that is, pre-need contracts for funerals)
Taking Chance Home (Marine Lieutenant Colonel Strobl's simple and moving account of escorting the remains of Lance Corporal Chance Phelps home from Dover Air Force Base). You can watch HBO's film based on the story, Taking Chance, starring Kevin Bacon. Or check out the Chance Phelps Foundation.
Technology Brings Digital Memories to Grave Sites (Bellamy Pailthorp, NPR's All Things Considered, 5-30-11--listen or read). A Seattle company is adding "quick-read" codes to gravestones, allowing cemetery visitors to connect with the dead's life stories.
Veterans death and survivor benefits. The following sources vary in clarity, level of detail, user-friendliness, so check them all and let me know if you find something better:
• Veterans resources (Funeral home Money & King's useful page: Who is eligible? How do you apply? Reimbursement of burial expenses. Burial Flags. Burial in national VA cemeteries. Headstones and markers. Presidential memorial certificates.)
• Survivors and Dependents Benefits (Death After Active Service) (U.S. Dept of Veterans Affairs) and a page to lead you to info particularly for benefits for a veteran, parent, spouse, or child
• Military Connections on Veteran Burial Benefits. Click on links for Military Funerals, Veteran Headstones or Marker, Presidential Memorial Certificate, and so on.
• Survivors' veteran burial benefits (click on button for whether service member died in service or after)
• Death Pension Benefits (for Widows,Widowers, and Dependent Children
• How to Claim Veterans Death Benefits
Who has the right to make decisions about your funeral? (Funeral Consumers Alliance, state laws on personal preferences)
BUY NOW: Dying: A Book of Comfort
MOVIES OF POSSIBLE INTEREST
If you purchase anything after clicking on an Amazon.com link below, we get a small commission, which helps support the costs of maintaining this site. You can also rent the movies from Netflix, among other options (for example, many libraries have good video collections)
• Departures. A Japanese film about a very tender way to say goodbye.
• Four Weddings and a Funeral. A romantic comedy starring Hugh Grant and Kristin Scott Thomas.
• As It Is in Heaven. "Romantic and funny, this deeply felt ode to love is a roller-coaster ride of emotions," wrote Variety, and I agree. As a bonus, the hero of this lovable Swedish film is played by Michael Nyqvist, co-star of the movies based on the Stieg Larsson "Girl with the Dragon Tattoo" trilogy.
• Tuesdays With Morrie, with Jack Lemmon and Hank Azaria, based on Mitch Albom's nonfiction bestseller. See also the movie based on Albom's The Five People You Meet in Heaven
• After Life (in the days between whatever killed them and the moment they're buried, characters in this movie are no longer alive but can still move and communicate -- only with the character played by Liam Neeson). This film got mixed reviews.
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Books and Stories on Family-Directed Funerals
If you purchase anything after clicking on an Amazon.com link below, we get a small commission, which helps support the costs of maintaining this site.
A movement to bring grief back home, a Washington Post story by Rachel Cos, suggests sources of more information on family-directed funerals.
Caring for the Dead: Your Final Act of Love, Upper Access, 1998, by Lisa Carlson. A complete guide for those making funeral arrangements with or without a funeral director. Covers funeral law state by state. $29.95 from the Funeral Consumers Alliance or $18.87 from Amazon.com. Available at many libraries.
Celebrating a Life: Planning Memorial Services and Other Creative Remembrances by Faith Moore (foreword by Letitia Baldrige)
Funerals Without God: A Practical Guide to Non-Religious Funerals by Jane Wynne Wilson, a handbook geared to humanist ceremonies in Great Britain, where they are more common.
Grave Matters: A Journey Through the Modern Funeral Industry to a Natural Way of Burial by environmental columnist Mark Harris (a well-written and informative survey of the costs, processes, and effects of various burial options (from traditional funeral with embalming to cremation to various eco-friendly green-funeral options, including burial at sea or on one’s own land), with graphic descriptions of embalming, rotting, etc.
Living Into Dying: A Journal of Spiritual, Practical Deathcare for Family and Community, 2002, by Nancy Jewel Poer. $23 from crossings.net or from Amazon.com
Planning a Celebration of Life, A Simple Guide for Turning a Memorial Service into a Celebration of Life
Crossings publishes a resource guide containing “educational, inspirational, and practical tools” needed to plan a home funeral. Available for $55 at crossings.net.
Dying: A Book of Comfort
~ The Book of Common Prayer
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Planning for a Funeral
(Advice from the Federal Trade Commission)
1. Shop around in advance. Compare prices from at least two funeral homes. Remember that you can supply your own casket or urn.
2. Ask for a price list. The law requires funeral homes to give you written price lists for products and services.
3. Resist pressure to buy goods and services you don't really want or need.
4. Avoid emotional overspending. It's not necessary to have the fanciest casket or the most elaborate funeral to properly honor a loved one.
5. Recognize your rights. Laws regarding funerals and burials vary from state to state. It's a smart move to know which goods or services the law requires you to purchase and which are optional.
6. Apply the same smart shopping techniques you use for other major purchases. You can cut costs by limiting the viewing to one day or one hour before the funeral, and by dressing your loved one in a favorite outfit instead of costly burial clothing.
7. Plan ahead. It allows you to comparison shop without time constraints, creates an opportunity for family discussion, and lifts some of the burden from your family.
BUY NOW: Dying: A Book of Comfort
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Green Funerals Are Nothing New
"There are about 20 'green' cemeteries in America right now, essentially open fields," writes John S. DeMott, in The High Cost of Dying: Funerals, Burials Can Be Expensive (AARP Bulletin). "Markers are made from local rock, and some families dispense with them in favor of GPS coordinates.
"Joshua Slocum of the Funeral Consumers Alliance says there’s nothing really new about 'green' funerals except calling them that. 'It’s the oldest, most traditional form of burial,' he says. 'A simple burial in a simple wood box without chemicals or a concrete vault. Jews and Muslims have practiced it for thousands of years.'"
Tell all my mourners
To mourn in red --
Cause there ain't no sense
In my bein' dead.
~ Langston Hughes, "Wake"
"Green burial provides us with a way of getting in sync with the natural process of death, decay, and regeneration, rather than having to stave it off, as conventional deathcare demands."~ Joe Sehee, Founder/Executive Director, Green Burial Council
"I would feel more optimistic about a bright future for man if he spent less time proving that he can outwit Nature and more time tasting her sweetness and respecting her seniority."
~ E.B. White
"When I die don’t bury me
In a box in a cemetery
Out in the garden would be much better
I could be pushin’ up homegrown tomatoes."
~ Guy Clark, Homegrown Tomatoes
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